Jokes (Let's see how the censorship works)

BH160159 · Posted: Sat Oct 25, 2008 10:34 am Post subject:

LEAVING THE OFFICE EARLY

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.

Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.

One day the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave
right
behind her.

After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know
they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening,
spent playtime with her son,
and went to bed early

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the gym
before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but
when
she got to her bedroom,
she heard a muffled noise from inside.

Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see
her
husband in bed with her lady boss!

Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned
to
leave early again, and they asked
the blonde if she was going to go with them

'No way,' the blonde exclaimed. 'I almost got caught yesterday!'
_________________
STRESS
The Confusion created when ones mind over rides the body’s basic desire to choke the living shit out of some arsehole who desperately needs it
Stick that one up your arse! side ways

BH160159 · Posted: Sun Oct 26, 2008 10:17 pm Post subject:

An 18 year old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says 'who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later an AMG Mercedes stops in front of their house, a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Mercedes and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl, and tells them:

Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the situation. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take responsibility for my actions.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.

If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.'

Finally, for causing such social embarrassment and distress to you both I would like to offer $1,000,000 in compensation, my private yacht, and Gold Coast penthouse to be at your disposal at any time.

'However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'

At this point, the father, who had remained silent the entire time, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him...

'You root her again.'
_________________
STRESS
The Confusion created when ones mind over rides the body’s basic desire to choke the living shit out of some arsehole who desperately needs it
Stick that one up your arse! side ways

drwaddles · Posted: Wed Nov 05, 2008 11:02 pm Post subject:

From xkcd.com, a sometimes funny webcomic.

TheLoadedDog · Posted: Sat Nov 08, 2008 10:03 pm Post subject:

Here's a quickie that I'd long forgotten, but when I heard it again the other night, I remembered it to be one of my very favourites:

"Why don't Presbyterians have sex standing up?"

"Because somebody might see them and think they were dancing."
_________________
The idiot who, in railway carriages,
Scribbles on window-panes,
We only suffer
To ride on a buffer
In Parliamentary trains

MJJA · Posted: Sun Nov 09, 2008 2:53 pm Post subject:

Two schoolboys who had hated each other from the moment they met happened to run into each other at a railway station. One had become a commodore (in the navy, not the bloody car you idiots) and the other a bishop.

The bishop says to the commodore "Tell me porter, where do I catch the train to Upper Woop Woop?"

And the commodore replies "Madam, in your condition you shouldn't be travelling"
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If you stick 567 used postage stamps on a teatowel, tie it around your head like a bandanna and dance down Swanston Street singing "Pop goes the weasel" you'll feel ridiculous. Don't do it! Join Smart Passengers Inc instead. www.smartpassengers.org.au

2001 · Posted: Fri Nov 14, 2008 10:46 am Post subject:

Been a while since I passed by here. In the absence of new material I present a schoolboy quip as old as time itself.

Q: What's short and wrinkly and hangs out your underpants ?

A: Your Grandmother.
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Member Falls Creek 2018 Olympics Committee.

Bwana · Posted: Fri Nov 21, 2008 4:41 pm Post subject:

This appeared on an intranet site at work, and is copyright Jorge Cham, 2004:

Deciphering Academese
Yes, academic language can be obtuse, abstruse and downright daedal. For your convenience we present a short thesaurus of academic phrases:

Bwana · Posted: Mon Nov 24, 2008 12:59 pm Post subject:

Recieved via email...

Orstrayan!

The following are results from an OZ-words Competition where entrants were asked to take an Australian word, alter it by one letter only, and supply a witty definition.

Clearly, you need to be an Aussie to understand.

Billabonk: to make passionate love beside a waterhole
Bludgie: a partner who doesn't work, but is kept as a pet
Dodgeridoo: a fake indigenous artefact
Fair drinkum: good-quality Aussie wine
Flatypus: a cat that has been run over by a vehicle
Mateshit: all your flat mate's belongings, lying strewn around the floor
Shagman: an unemployed male, roaming the Australian bush in search of sexual activity
Yabble: the unintelligible language of Australian freshwater crustaceans
Bushwanker: a pretentious drongo, who reckons he's above average when it comes to handling himself in the scrub
Crackie-daks: 'hipster' tracksuit pants.

And for the Kiwi's amongst us:
Shornbag: a particularly attractive naked sheep.
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MJJA · Posted: Tue Dec 02, 2008 10:30 pm Post subject:

http://www.keyboardforblondes.com/
_________________
If you stick 567 used postage stamps on a teatowel, tie it around your head like a bandanna and dance down Swanston Street singing "Pop goes the weasel" you'll feel ridiculous. Don't do it! Join Smart Passengers Inc instead. www.smartpassengers.org.au

MJJA · Posted: Wed Dec 03, 2008 3:03 pm Post subject:

True story from IBM:

The Incident and Defect Tracking system was born.
ID 1 T Hardware failure
ID 2 T Hardware installation
ID 3 T Software installation
ID 4 T Software configuration
ID 5 T Operating System installation
ID 6 T Operating System Upgrade
ID 7 T Network configuration
ID 8 T Network cabling upgrade.
ID 9 T User training
ID 10 T User error.
Every user error tracking page signed off by a manager was taped to the wall in the lab. It took them 3 months to figure out.

If you don't get it, delete the spaces from the "User error" one and keep staring.
_________________
If you stick 567 used postage stamps on a teatowel, tie it around your head like a bandanna and dance down Swanston Street singing "Pop goes the weasel" you'll feel ridiculous. Don't do it! Join Smart Passengers Inc instead. www.smartpassengers.org.au

Bigged · Posted: Wed Dec 03, 2008 5:36 pm Post subject:

A man is in bed with his Thai girlfriend.

After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his penis, something she had lovingly done on many occasions.

Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her: 'Why do you love doing that?'

'Because I really miss mine'.
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What you say here stays here!. Rodney Dangerfield

Argus Tuft · Joined: 18 Jun 2007 Posts: 1285 Location: Jakarta

A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and was somewhat upset.
'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!'
And the husband replied 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed, ' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began --
'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days!
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,
' Please do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'
_________________
Argus Tuft

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

dasher · Posted: Thu Dec 04, 2008 8:17 pm Post subject:

Could the lad in front left be the "Little Johnny" that we hear about so often in our jokes?

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42 years and won fuck-all

TE2815 · Posted: Fri Dec 05, 2008 4:35 pm Post subject:

A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor cabinet. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
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TE2815 · Posted: Fri Dec 05, 2008 4:37 pm Post subject:

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters.

They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but: "Nescafe"

Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.

It said: "Good till the last drop".

Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Rothmans"

Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the pack: "Extra Long. King Size"

She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in Auckland , New Zealand . Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.

Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "Air New Zealand "

Mom took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for Air NZ.

The ad said: "Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways."

Mum fainted!
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